Asparagus makes your pee smell weird. And by "weird", I mean weeeeeiiiiirrrrd! Seriously. I can go pee 12 hours after I've eaten Asparagus, and be like, "Oh ya.. funny. I totally forgot I ate Asparagus yesterday! Thanks for the reminder, weird pee!" And then I give myself a mental pat on the back for choosing to eat so healthy the day before and think, "Oh HELL ya, I'm totally gonna be back to a size 3 tomorrow!" as I reach for the bathroom spray.
And corn.. sheesh.. don't even get me started on corn. Asparagus is so much classier than corn. Asparagus reminds you that you've eaten it with a slight (okay.. not SO slight) scent.. where as corn shows right back up in your poop and says, "Hello!!! I'm here! Remember me??? You ate me today.. and I just wanted to come back and say, 'Great job, You!' You're such a great eater!"
And broccoli... oh boy... It's a completely different story with broccoli. At least Asparagus and Corn remind YOU that you ate them... but Broccoli lets EVERYONE within a 3 miles radius know you've eaten it. You'll be in the middle of a conversation and "PPPFFFTTTTT"!!! Woopsy... a broccoli fart sneaks out unexpectedly, and the gas begins to rise, along with the color in your cheeks (your facial cheeks that is)... and strangers, and your mother with look at you with disgust and think, "Oh, for the love of God... she ate broccoli today". But the friends and family who love you just brush it off and say, "Oh broccoli! What a good job you're doing on that diet of yours!! You'll be in those size 3, skinny jeans in NO time!".. because those friends and family members are just as fucked up as you are.
Onions are another one... Eat an onion, and you'll smell like you just worked out for an hour in an, ummm, onion field. Seriously. Why, oh why must Onions smell like B.O.?? I totally think that's just Mother Nature's way of saying, "Here's something that will taste great on your burger! But you're totally gonna pay for it when you have no friends who will stand within 40 yards of you! Ha Ha Asshole! Here's some garlic too."
Why can't these veggies take a hint from Carrots? Carrots are the shit! They make you able to see in the dark like a ninja. How friggin' awesome is that? "Oh, I gotta go stalk the ex tonight while he sleeps.. but my little flashlight is out of batteries.. and I can't go buy more, because everyone at Walmart will know I ate broccoli today." No problem! Just eat a carrot, and you'll be a super, night-vision-enabled, ninja-stalker in 2 hours!
Then of course there's Milk. (Yes, I know Milk is not a vegetable. What are you? The friggin' Veggie Police?) God bless lactose intolerant people. Oh sure, they can eat ice cream... but they'll suffer with the Hershey Squirts for the next 3 hours... I'm not quite sure Rockey Road is worth that much toilet paper and hemorrhoids. Just sayin'.
My point??? Watch what you eat, People. Those veggies might look delicious. They might get you into that size 3 outfit you bought at the Neon Light Place with the XXX's in the windows... but lets face it. You ain't gonna be looking too sexy coming out of the bathroom that smells like asparagus pee, farting broccoli farts as you lay down on the bed smelling like onion B.O.
Be careful my friends. Those veggies are sneaky mofos!
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